Entertainment » Theatre

Jackie Beat Gives Holy Hell For Christmas

by Scott Stiffler
EDGE Media Network Contributor
Thursday Dec 12, 2013

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, knitted sweaters from granny, and Yuletide carols being sung by a choir are all very nice -- but if that much vanilla makes you gag, then drag superstar Jackie Beat's annual Christmas show is the perfect antidote to seasonal sweetness and heteronormative tidings of joy.

Given the choice, we'd gladly trade all of the above for just one evening of deliciously tasteless song parodies, cutting observations and off-the-cuff audience insults that waft through the air like beautifully structured, uniquely designed snowflakes, that land a crushing blow to the ego.

And yet, an unkind word from Jackie Beat is like a Hallmark card from somebody who might seem as if she doesn't care... but, in fact, cares enough to smack you hard with her very best.

Try to remember that when she calls you a "faggot" (because it's going to happen). We learned that when the Don Rickles of dresses and tresses consented to a spirited round of Q&A, in advance of "Jackie Beat: O Holy Hell".

What to expect?

EDGE: What can we expect from this year’s Christmas atrocity?

Jackie Beat: Well, I wouldn’t call my annual holiday show an atrocity exactly. The Holocaust was an atrocity. 9/11 was an atrocity. That new ’Sound of Music’ starring Carrie Underwood was an atrocity!

EDGE: Please give us with a glimpse of your new seasonal songs (Subject matter? Genre?).

Jackie Beat: I am most proud of my holiday medley made up of the biggest hits of the year. It features songs by Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Daft Punk, Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke. It’s really amazing if I may say so myself! And I rewrote John Lennon’s peace and love anthem, ’Imagine,’ to be about what’s really important to me. You’ve really got to see it! And of course, I have ruined just about every holiday classic there is. Seriously, it’s like I’ve run out of songs to destroy!

Enduring classics

EDGE: Why did you choose to bring back the songs mentioned in the PR (’Let It Snow,’ ’Santa’s Baby,’ ’Jew Christmas’), and why are these enduring Jackie classics?

Jackie Beat: Well, every year I do a few ’classics’ because a lot of people have never seen my show and they deserve the best stuff. And people bring friends and they expect to hear some of their favorites, you know? So this year I’m blowing the dust off "Go To Hell," "It’s Kwanzaa," "The 12 Days of Christmas" and "Jingle Bell Cock." Sadly, the fine folks at Spin Cycle never know what I’m doing because I don’t even know myself when it comes time to put out the press release. Just come to the show! Trust me.

EDGE: Given unlimited access to a dollar store, what homemade gifts would you craft?

Jackie Beat: I prefer to give ’experiences!’ You know, a nice dinner, tickets to a show, a blow job. Who needs more crap to dust?

EDGE: You’ve been gaying up the neighborhood for years (by performing at the Laurie Beechman Theater). Is Hell’s Kitchen the new Chelsea? Why has it taken the clubs, bars, twinks and tweakers so long to catch up with you? What other queer trends have you been an early adopter of?

Jackie Beat: Well, anyone who doesn’t think Broadway or Times Square is the gayest place on Earth simply hasn’t been paying attention. But, yes, I am personally responsible for all the latest trends, including paraplegic twerking, making horrible snacks out of kale and punching people in the face for no reason. Good times!

Working with Ross

EDGE: Any thoughts on the live "Sound of Music?"

Jackie Beat: I didn’t see it. Too busy, sorry. But my opinion is that some things should NOT be remade. And "The Sound of Music" is one of them! ’What is it, you cunt face Maria?’

EDGE: What is the creative atmosphere like at "Hello Ross" [the E! show Jackie writes for]? Who have the best, and worst, guests been? High and low moments for you, so far?

Jackie Beat: Honestly, all the guests have been amazing and I am NOT kissing ass. That’s Ross’s gift: He can take someone like Kris Jenner, of whom I am not a fan, and make it fun and interesting and totally watchable. We essentially get paid to just hang out with our friends and laugh all day! I would do it for free, but don’t tell anyone.

EDGE: Who is the most over- and under-maligned celebrity of the moment, and why?

Jackie Beat: I’m so over Alec Baldwin. Just shut your hetero, douche-bag mouth already! The sad part is that he’s REALLY fucking funny. But I’m sorry, you can’t go around calling people ’faggot.’ I can, you can’t. And on that note...Hey, come see my holiday show, ’faggot!’

"Jackie Beat: O Holy Hell" plays for two nights only: Saturday, December 14 and Sunday, December 15 (at 7:30pm and 10pm), at the Laurie Beechman Theater (407 West 42nd Street, at Ninth Avenue). Tickets are $22, plus a $15 food/drink minimum. To order, call 212-352-3101 or visit www.SpinCycleNYC.com. Also visit www.missjackiebeat.com.com.

Scott Stiffler is a New York City based writer and comedian who has performed stand-up, improv, and sketch comedy. His show, "Sammy’s at The Palace. . .at Don’t Tell Mama"---a spoof of Liza Minnelli’s 2008 NYC performance at The Palace Theatre, recently had a NYC run. He must eat twice his weight in fish every day, or he becomes radioactive.


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